Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Assist to the bigbrosef

For your viewing pleasure

Sea you in about 30 hours

Slow Sports Day

Lets check the line up:

NFL: No Games
Mens Tennis: No Games
NHL: No Games
MLS/EPL: No Games
Any College Sport worth noting: No Games
NASCAR: No Races

which leaves
Women's Tennis: The Williams sisters are playing as we speak Venus is up 6-3, 2-1 and Serena is tied 6-6 and is in the tiebreak in the first set, but the matchs will be over by the time the majority of you all read this.

MLB: Notable Games...
7:00 Atl v Phi...go braves
7:05 Bos v Bal...go birds
7:05 Pit v Chc...go buccos
7:05 Sea v Nyy...go yanks
8:10 Min v Kc...go royals

Since this lineup of games only happens about everyday, time to shake things up...sea you at the beach.

WAKEEE upp Wake up Wake up

Personal Favorite...the turtle (1:23)

Monday, June 29, 2009

Greatest Story/Quote Ever.

So as I found myself alone in the home of M and F...I thought wheres the trash, Mary Kate and his main squeeze? But to my luck none of them were there! So as I waited anxiously for the fantastic foursome to arrive I found myself in a house full of three lovely ladies...

So we all started chatting MB, little k and the angel herself little L. On the deck, with a cool breeze blowing from the Southwest with no clouds in the sky, the weather was the perfect, though the initial thought of just Snorkel and these ladies was odd MB broke the silence by asking "How was your day Snorkel?" I responded in the usual manner, "Hanging in there, etc, etc, and you?" She responded with a lengthy five minute story about an autistic kid who enjoyed telling her how many time he could hit the volleyball, "...OMG he was like 46, 47, 48, 49, 50 oh oh then he said 50 + 50 is 100!!! Isn't that funny Snorkel?" And as enthralled as I was in the story I could not help, but think of the even funnier plot of the new HBO show Hung.

As I started to fill MB in on this ingenious plot line. I told her, "In a nutshell it is a show about a middle-aged man, who's life is in a rut, and hates his job so he becomes a gigolo...comedy ensues." she pondered the question about how I heard of the show, so I told her "The Burgh, of Course." She responded, "That show should be about him!"



Burgh...MB? Really?

Sleeping on the Floor Makes You Better at Tennis


According to Mrs. Decker-Roddick's twitter page, Roddick has been sleeping on the floor of his room in London for the past two weeks. Read it here

Looks like sleeping on the floor is good for your tennis game.

In other SI news, after the bitch some people refer to as Julie Henderson got dumped on her ass by an old black guy (Russell Simmons), she's now making the moves on Aaron Rodgers. Interesting.

Beach



Sweet. I like the Beach.

Wake uuppe

The US team should feel like this goalie.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Its been a bad week.


An Angel, the King of Pop, and now the King of the Informercial. I blame Kim Jong Il.

Some favorites:






How does he do it? Watch genius at work:

76th minute update.

Shit.

Half Time Blog

U-S-A! U-S-A!


Solid Half. Great showing so far. I am scared of the BraZilians (no Garbage, not the waxing of the who-who) second chances they are getting off rebounds, but Tim Howard (T-Ho for Kenny F-ing) is playing out of his mind right now. Even saving shots after the whistle was blown...perhaps a yellow card should have been shown? Dempesy's goal was good, but that cross was brilliant. As for the second goal...M-A-zing. loved it even though I am not a huge Donovan fan. Knock on wood we can pull it off. For those of you at work hopefully you are watching the game on espn360.com. We still have 45 to play, please dont screw this up America. And here is a picture for your viewing pleasure.



p.s. I think we need one more goal...here we go.......

Get excited-er.

Get excited.

braSil eh?

What are you some kind of P.C pundit Garbage? who comes on the blog once a month to promote anti-American sentiment? Thats ridiculous. We are from America, thus; it is BraZil, with a Z. Either start being patriotic like my main man Chuck Norris or crawl back into your CPamiICehAMSoe study hole.


As the previews have stated...

In Co-ed Magazine instead of measuring up the talent of soccer players, it was porn stars and models. Winner: BraZil in a tight one.

In inside futbol (whatever that is)...
"The American shocked the world by sinking the Spanish fleet, while BraZil needed a last minute goal to ditch the Egyptians, blah blah blah, and a scoreline of 3-1 for the five time world cup champs"

In the90minute.com...
"Brazil will need to make sure they do not take the United States lightly...Brazil has more talent...Brazil just has too much and will not overlook this match after seeing Spain lose. Prediction - Brazil wins 2-1"

USA is very easy to spell. Unlike BraSil or BraZil. who knowS????

USA has 13,700 McDonalds

USA has 303,824,640 people

USA has 11,168 starbucks...suck on that

oh and I got the US winning 3-2? nope. 2-1
thanks to Donovan and Davies for the goals


Saturday, June 27, 2009

More Animals!



I like the part where the beaver jizzed in his mouth. What, you're telling me it didn't happen? Why don't you watch the video, douche!

And vai Brasil.

Happy Saturday



Pt. 2:

Slow Weekend

Lowes continues to cut my hours, that sucks. The only thing on the news is Iran and Michael Jackson. It seems like a very slow sporting weekend even though tomorrow starting at 2pm will be the tits (get excited for that post). Nothing crazy happening in Chapel Hill, school is out, all the sporting seasons are over, oh but there are C-Toppers and I know that makes some of you jealous. I am still very drunk writing this, but here is a picture of a beeb. Enjoy.


This is the big titty girl from Chuck and Larry (michele karmin)

Friday, June 26, 2009

I present

everybody's weekend plans

Beeb by association?

Cheyenne Woods
Age: 18
College: Wake Forest

I think the association is enough...

Its cool that your uncle is worth 800 million dollars...
Nice belly-button ring...

Wake up!

In honor of the Draft and the Shaqqtaqtqqic "whered you get all those q's from" trade

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Indiana Pacers Practices

With the selection of Hansbrough by the Pacers, practices in Indianapolis are going to be a blats for Hasnbrough. But for another Pacers forward, not so much. This is how every practice is going to end for Josh McRoberts:

The Magicccccccccc

Here is an update on the Eastern Conference Champs

They Lose...
1. Rafer "Skip to my Lou" Alston, which is very unfortunate because he truly helped our beloved Magic through the playoffs and could be a serious blow if Jameer Nelson gets hurt again...
2. Courtney "form Indianapolis, Indiana...shout out to m/pfrat" Lee who was 215th in the NBA in assists, so no big thing
3. Tony "I have a career avg of .139 from 3 pt range" Battie, honestly have no idea who this guy is. again no big thing

They Get...
A player who averaged 23.5 points over a 10-year pro career...
A guy who will provide center Dwight Howard with a perimeter scorer...
8 time all star...
the 1999 Rookie of the year...
2000 Slam Dunk Champ...
Olympic Gold Medalist...
Appeared in the Movie Like Mike...

VINCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CARTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEERRRRR




Did I mention he went to Carolina?

M.J

You Will Be Missed

My personal fav four
1. Billie Jean
2. Black or White
3. Heal the World
4. Anything by the Jackson 5


Honorable Mention: Smooth Criminal, Man in the Mirror





Alpaca ATTACK! (LateWake)

Preview

Zulu Warriors v.s Brazilla

Preview:

South Africa ranked 72nd

Brazil ranked 6th

Brazil 4-0 Win.

Get ready for a preview unlike non-other when Brazil and the US play again.



Another 10,000

Tapping Kegs, Spreading Legs.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

U-S-A! U-S-A!

I'll leave the gloating up to Snorklefish, but I just want to say that gamecast for soccer is awesome. Here's why (click to enlarge):




Spain: good for bullfighting, tequila and Taco Bell. Bad for soccer.

Preview

Here is what the Barcelona Reporter (newspaper) had to say...

"USA side looked completely incompetent...
Betting verdict
Spain are hot favourites here and we have no doubts they will win the match but the odds on home win are not worth taking. You should rather bet on over 2.5 goals since Spain will have no problems scoring past USA defenders."

Here is what the Bleacher Report had to say...

"The US will undoubtedly put up a good fight in this encounter, but Spain will enter the match as heavy favourites to book a spot in the final against either Brazil or South Africa. Spain vs USA Prediction: Spain 3 - USA 0"

Here is what Sports Bookie had to say...

"Spain have now won fifteen in a row, and based on their current form, few will bet against them making sixteen against the USA...Spain to win 2-0, with Xavi and Fernando Torres scoring"

And here is what I say...America! Fuck Yeah America! Do I think we have a shot? No. Do I think we will win? No. Do I like Donovan? No. Am I going to predict us to win? Hell yes. Enjoy the game.


America 2- Spain 1 (Davies, Donovan (pk) and Torres)

Waking up to who the hell knows

Enjoy. I know the Bark Knight did.

That's Completely Normal

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Stay Classy, ESPN



So in honor of Ed McMahon finally passing his enormous financial debt on to the federal government, ESPN decided to honor him with a tribute of the top 10 "sports sidekicks". Nothing says RIP to a legendary producer better than comparisons to Daryl "Moose" Johnston, Lendale White, John "Who?" Taylor, and the Don Zimmer. How about the top 10 financially screwed athletes? You could feature Mike Tyson, Lenny Dykstra, and Latrell Sprewell. Or the top 10 people who we were waiting on to die? Strong play, guys. At least wait until tomorrow, when you're allowed to joke about it.

In other news, this site is funny

Spotted

Mr. November, Derek Jeter at a Moe's Southwest Grill in Atlanta. This comes from an affiliate living in Hotlanta who bumped into him but couldn't come up with anything clever to say.

Unfortunately not spotted, Minka Kelly, the fine skirt that Jeter is slammin these days. Mmmmmm...


Nooooooooooooooo!

5 reasons I'm very glad Kris Allen Won AI

wow. I know its old news, but was fishing around Youtube and I saw this. wow.

3 things I enjoy about this video

1. "It worse than the swine flu"
2. "On that note, who the *uck just farted?"
3. "Don't you Dare! Don't you Dare!"


AB Songs

After all this talk about the how the Bulls broke records, had major league pitchers playing and fireworks I decided to give you some insight on the Bulls players, specifically their AB Songs. For Example Bulls players Justin Ruggiano comes out to Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage.” Jon Weber likes “Blinded By the Light.” Ray Sadler’s is “Ay Bay Bay” by Hurricane Chris, and Dale Thayer enters from the bullpen to Bad Company’s “Rock and Roll Fantasy” and Chris Nowak song of choice “Disco Inferno.”

What would your song be??

After a long morning of pondering I present to you Bob's Porch starting lineup and AB Songs, feel free to comment.

1. RF AJ Burnett? coming out to Words bring me to Tears by Ryan Dunham
2. 2nd Pauly Walnuts ... Revenge of the Nerds by Lambda, Lambda, Lambda and Omega Mu
3. C Kenny F-ing Powers ... Numa Numa
4. LF Mary Kate ... We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
5. CF The View From Below... *uck Her Gently by Tenacious D
6. 3rd XOXO Gossip Girl ... Use Somebody by Kings of Leon
7. DH Jew York ... How you Remind Me by Nickeljewback
8. SS Trashely ... Today was a Good Day by Ice Cube
9. 1st Snorkelfish ... What Would You Do?? by City High

SP Garbage Disposal ... Lips of an Angel by Hinder
MR Bark Knight ... Meow Mix Commercial
CP The Burgh ... David Co...No...Kris All...Norman Gentle 09 Peace Out!

Wake up with Fireworks

for those of you who forgot how cool fireworks are. or want a recap of the DBaP last night here you go.

This guy is a trip, worth watching. (if you just want the fireworks 2:15)


Monday, June 22, 2009

MLB At The DBAP


That's right, for the low price of $6 Bob's Porch will be able to see Major League caliber pitching at the Durham Bulls Athletic Park. How? Thank God for rehab assignments as we are blessed to see the epic duel between Clay Buchholz for the Pawtucket Red Sox versus Scott Kazmir of the Durham Bulls.

Career Stats:

Buchholz
5-10 5.56 ERA
1 No Hitter

Kazmir
51-41 3.85 ERA

Catch the quadruple-A fever!

Another Video for the Working Guy



WWCHD? What Would Charlie Have Done?

wakey bakey

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Hmm

So I saw a Jeep in Richmond today that looked roughly like this:



I'm not sure what the exact message is, but I think its that the Burgh likes this:

That just happened

USA 3-0 Win
Thanks Brazil 3-0 Win

=

USA v Spain
which means...

Fernando "pretty boy" Torres

Versus

Landon "wtf" Donovan

Early, Early prediction 4-1 Spain



Funny you say that

Spotted in Baltimore



"You messin wit da wrong n*g*ga" (like my attempts at censorship?). Lesson learned-don't stop an Asian from using the bathroom like Pauly Walnuts or you'll get stomped out by Ken Jeong's hairy bush.

that is all for now

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The More You Know


Did you know that Ken Jeong, the naked guy from The Hangover was a practicing doctor when he filmed Knocked Up?

Did you know that he grew up in Greensboro?

Did you know that he went to Duke for undergrad?

Did you know that he went to UNC-CH for med school?

Now you do.

I'm on a Boat

Ok so I am technically not on a boat, but I wish I was. As I sit here watching the US Open I realize there is a new fad sweeping the nation. Let me be the first to say I am seriously concerned.

FAD:
I am unsure why this hat with an inch brim and un-stylish patterns is a taking the nation by surprise. Perhaps it is because Pfrat's new hero Ryan Moore took the PGA by storm today. He sits -1 (Tied 11 as I write this), but keep in mind that his best finish ever is Tied 57th, so I am convinced he is cheating. How you might ask? Better clubs, nicer ball, invisible golf glove? Nope none of those. It is his hat.

Exhibit A:

But with all fashion fads there always seems to be "that guy" who tries to pull it off, but just cant quite do it. So for your viewing pleasure I give you "that guy".

Its going to be a slow weekend




Get it slow?

p.s- I like the water bottle

Friday, June 19, 2009

Blog About It

Turns out Deadspin used one of my ideas again. After patting myself on the back I decided to tell you about it. The story begins like this: I was sitting in my bed at 4 in the morning and read Tucker Max's blog, ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com (The longest website ever? I guess none of you have ever been to antidisestablishmentarianism.com before). Alas, where is my point? Oh right, well there was a pretty funny paragraph and I sent this email to A.J. Daulerio:

While looking through the bowels of the Internet, I stumbled across this paragraph on ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com, the narcissistic blog of Tucker Max.

"2. Her friend was even funnier than her. She was a model too, but not just any model. Nope, she was the type of model who goes out to bars in the east village in tight pink hot pants. I am not exaggerating one ounce. You could almost see her cervix through the camel toe they were so tight. She ended up going home with my buddy who is an ESPN writer (not Bill Simmons). I won't name him, he can tell the story himself in his column if he wants, but it was awesome because the week before he had a threesome set up with a porn star and some other girl, had them both IN HIS HOTEL ROOM, and blew it--didn't fuck either one! His confidence was shattered, so of course I called him Leon Lett all week."

Of course the juicy part of his post was the bedroom habits of a certain Bristol employee. Blind items usually piss me off, but I'm pretty certain the person is either Jemele Hill or Gregg Easterbook.

Anonymous




Sweet!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Where you been bitch?

Walnuts I hope you have missed my posts like I have missed Mr. G.

Video Wake Up

For the hopeless romantic in me. Had to post this early to beat the snorkelfish who should be waking in t-minus...1 hour.



The odds that this wedding lasts longer than it took to make this? 3-1.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

'Joe Buck Live' Commentary

This show fucking sucks. How did Joe Buck manage to make an HBO special featuring Brett Favre and Paul Rudd be completely uninteresting? Most of the show was just weird and scripted with terrible joke attempts.

Of course Artie Lang managed to make things pretty interesting and really awkward. Meanwhile, Jason Sudekis (sp?) just sits there and laughs like a retard.




PS,
When did this become the Snorkelfish blog? All that work in the garden dept at Lowes not occupying much time? Don't get me wrong I love you and your posts, but I'm starting to miss the frequent commentary from The Garbage Disposal.

Best Rapper Ever?

Thanks to Taylor for an amazing opening segment to the CMT. Holler.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I miss Idol and the Burgh

Little Wayne Is Kind Of Hilarious

My favorite lines?

3. Kobe, what happened in Colorado? Did you rape that girl? Why you do that? I saw pictures of her, she was wild.

2. You guys ever shower with John Amaechi?

1. Daaammmn, Kobe, stop looking at my dick.

Hippo.


(insert funny caption)


Spotted.

NBA draft nine days away. Ty, Wayne and Tyler will all be worth more than any of us. Great. You will be missed.

wakkkkkke up

Monday, June 15, 2009

Time to get Pumped for NFL Season

We'll start with a recap of the last decade for the most overrated team in the NFC: the Eagles.



At least their coach is a great person and father.

This Made Me Chuckle Part II



This was sent out to a legislative staffer's entire email list. OOOOPS. Slow sports day, huh?

This Made Me Chuckle



In other news, never graduate.

A Tribute to the Burgh and Kenny

Welcome to the rest of your lives.....



Video WakeUp

Morning Wood



Because every Monday needs its perks.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The Finals

D-White-Howard-the-Notoriously-Smart-College vs the Jedi Master himself K-Obe-Wan-Konobi

Round 1. Intelligence

Since everybody knows that a Jedi Master can use mind tricks on the inferior book savvy students, the round must go to K-obe-won-konobi. But that is not to say that D-White-Howard...College did not give up a good fight. For instance, Wikipedia even lists the name of fictitious alumni. James Van Der Beek is one, enough said. (The guy who played the character of Mox Moxon in Varsity Blues.) Nice try D-white, but K-obe takes this round.


Round 2. Swagger. (the name + swagger and the results of the first google image)

Brown College Swagger-

Obi Wan Kenobi Swagger

The obvious winner here is D-White for no reason except at no point in this picture, is there any coherent response and Miami is not even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Point-Brown.

Tie Breaker. Best Youtube Video.

By scanning the first page of the the Youtube search for "Brown University Swagger" I got this... (watch it with no sound...seriously mute your computer...I am talking to you Pauly Walnuts/everyone else...MUTE)




One thing you need to know about my computer is that it does not have sound (the speakers are broken), that being said; I pronounce the Winner of this battle D-White-Howard-the-notoriously-smart-college because that is one of the greatest videos with no sound I have ever seen. It could be about the evolution of man, how the Egyptians created the pyramids, the rise and fall of the Ottoman Empire in the 16th century, the reason we are in a recession or even the thought process that Garbage Disposal's brain has to endure every time he weighs the pros and cons of taking a shit.

Orlando 92 Laker 88

Upside.

Yep so we lost today in baseball. Sad Day, but think on the bright side there will be more pictures of these girls on tv. Hooray!!!


New Favorite Character/Wake up

Just watched Bolt, you should too. Rhino (the hamster) is hilarious.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Stanley

This guy. Yep the guy who used Glamor Shots for his high school photos wanted everyone to know that the Penguins won the cup. By the way no affiliation with Pittsburgh whatsoever and for some reason loves the Steelers too (I would insert hyper link where he destroyed all that shit, but cant find it)

Three Reason I hate Tom

I hate you because...

1. Zac Brown Band

2. Jimmy Buffet

3. Girl Talk

Not to Mention: Al Green, Beastie Boys, Phish, Murs, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and all the other hippie birdman music that is being played.

Found this (NSFW) on a Bonnaroo website deep inside the abyss people call the internet...so it must be real.

Oh and I found this picture of guess who?!?!

Games

If you are bored at work right now here is a great game to play. It is called cubefield and if you have a boss walking by do not worry because one life does not take more than a minute or two at a time. This is a great game and the graphics are unreal. Not! but seriously if anyone gets passed the black and white level, please let me know I want to know what is next...Game here

Wakey Wakey 2

round 2: Because I get a kick out of gymnastics failure

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Burgh Better Get Some Brown Flip-Flops



It's A-Town.

HOT

ASHLEY TISDALE

Thank you very much for your Hit List today on MTV Hits and I loved your new music video. And for your viewing pleasure...

2K Sports: Now Less Faggy



Is this an awesome picture? Yes. Does this seem a little premature since the current season isn't even over? Yes. Am I the only person who even knew this happened? Probably. Is the whole "2K" franchise getting a little old considering we're now in the 2nd decade of these shenangigans (2K23 anyone?)? Yes. Will I buy this game instead of NHL '10 ('010?)? No.

Wakey Wakey

D Wade is Pretty Funny

Poor little Matt Lau gets worked.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

No Words

All I can say is that I hope Tate Forcier is worth all of this and that he had no part in creating it. I would give you some sort of recap, picture, or joke, but there's just way too much. It would be like trying to pick apart the plot holes in Journey to the Center of the Earth. Sometimes you just gotta see it for yourself.

Everyone Really Hates the Cavs in DC



Ex-Cav Damon Jones getting turned down at a club in DC. Man, he hasn't waited in line in 10 years, dawg. Yea right. Someone's never been to Bob's on a pumping DJ Tuesday.

Austria is so Gay



Sorry, Garbage Disposal (RIP), but your country is apparently about to get screwed. Austrian officials are not happy about the new Bruno movie and are freaking out that this will reveal that all Austrians are gay and love Hitler. I believe they are preparing by drinking Fosters and having gay sex with kangaroos.