Tuesday, March 31, 2009

OnoMatoPoeiaS...SWEET!!!



Wakka Wakka



And now some Hansbrough zen...

Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: Philadelphia Phillies

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

The season starts on Sunday, time for two-a-days

NL EAST
Fighting Francoeurs
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Florida Marlins
Montreal Expos

The Good:

They get to play the Braves on opening night.
The Bad:
They get to lose to the Braves on opening night :(.
The Ugly:

Where's Obama?!

This needs to make the rounds for serious. Congratulations, you made the womens' final four. Now go and lose to UConn again by 39.

Chuck Norris Is Against Sexting


I think it's hilarious that Walker Texas Ranger wrote a town hall article on the dangers of sexting.

It's time not only to answer the question "do you know where your kids are this spring break?" but also to know what they're doing with their cell phones.

Time Waster

Here is a painting that features 99 Seinfeld references. See if you can get them all. Enjoy not working.



Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: Florida Marlins

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

NL EAST
Fighting Francoeurs
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Florida Marlins
Montreal Expos


The Good:
They have the best starting pitching rotation and have an incredibly low payroll which worked for the Rays last year.
The Bad:
When Wes Helms is your highest paid player, that cannot be a good sign.

The Ugly:

All my single manatees.

Taylor Griffin Made

So, I don't think we've been piling on Oklahoma enough. They have a cross dressing mentally retarded player as their star and his brother who is the poster child for male pattern baldness. It also occurred to me last night as I was watching I Love Money 2 (that's right) that Tailor Made looks eerily similar to Taylor Griffin. It also gives me an excuse to run my favorite Griffin picture.



Video Wake Up

Monday, March 30, 2009

Frattiest Soccer Jersey Ever

You can beat Slovakia by four goals and then head right over to the yacht club without changing. Nice. Plus they already have a jersey for the greatest player in the history of any sport.


Bruno's Got Some Work To Do


Damn it! Austria's beloved icon, Bruno, received a NC-17 rating for his documentary, Bruno. I guess the butt sex scene took it over the top. Or maybe it was when he talked about same sex partner parenting with his adopted black baby in tow. I feel like the MPAA wouldn't have been this harsh if the producers had presented this title for the movie: Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt. Hey, whatever puts Austria on the map, right.

Extra Mustard Cock Tease


SI.com and their Extra Mustard site just piss me off. You can't have the headline say "Gisele. Naked. (And it's safe for work.)" What the hell? That's like saying "Kittens tumbling with a ball of yarn (NSFW)."

Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: Montreal Expos

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

NL EAST
Fighting Francoeurs
New York Mets
Philadelphia Phillies
Florida Marlins
Montreal Expos


The Good:
Their stadium is really nice and on April 17th, 20 of my closest friends will be in attendance, doubling their season average.

The Bad:
Adam Dunn is your right fielder. Did you see him in the WBC?

The Ugly:

Q: Who Has More Acting Chops Than Greg Oden?

A: Gheorghe Muresan


Video Wake Up

Let's face it, I've been lacking



I'll be the first to admit it. I've slacked so much that some of my ideas have actually been made into big hits (see Scrubs turned XXX). So here I am to start off fresh.

New Adult Film Idea:
Now that we're completely honest with each other, who really enjoys the plots to porn movies? They are often hilariously bad, but only are time fillers because it is entirely too unbelievable that two people will bang in out for the full 2 hour timeslot skinemax has reserved for the show. Thus, I bring you to my new Idea called...

PORN.

Its kind of a spin-off of the best/most confusing/tantalizingly sexual tv series "Lost" in the face that it will involve flashbacks into the character's previous lives (of course only their sexual exploits). Also, now stuck in porn, the characters must figure out how they can get out of porn by having as much "relations" with each other as possible. If you aren't aroused by now, I don't want to be your friend.

7 foot tall man dancing.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Get Your Final Four Gear


I just hope Kansas can beat Duke so we can see two coaches in the final with Kansas sweaters.

UPDATE: Guitar Hero With Roy

Update: Now with depantsing video.

I'm glad he and Coach K have so much time on their hands besides, you know, coaching. You'll have to sign in to see the video.

Link

DeJuan Blair Doesn't Understand Basketball



In his postgame press conference, Blair claimed that "We won out there man they just had more points than us".. Along the same lines, he's been wondering why all his field goals aren't worth 3 points and whether he should have hit 4 iron at the 3 minute mark.

Dwight Howard is a Sexy Beast

Breaking News



Bob's Porch has learned that Ty Lawson has been moonlighting as Tracy Jordan on TGS for the past 3 years. In that time, he has entertained us with such classics as:


And given us a glimpse into how he views the world:


Good luck with your efforts to get into space, Ty and may God (and Jack) be with you.

UNC - Gonzaga: A Final Thought



Those Gonzaga uniforms are terrible. They are the bulldogs, not the "Zags". Why change your name to a made up fairy tale word thats just the last few letters of your real name? I hope Carolina can keep up with this guy tonight:

Clearly A UNC Grad


I find this item on the official NCAA Photo Store hilarious. I think I might even spring for the 36X48 Canvas Gallery Map for $425.95. Where else can you get a Greg Paulus back rub immortalized?

Link

More Porn!!!

So, everyone in our house enjoys reading Barstool Sports, but the fact of the matter is, it's really not that funny. Does anyone actually enjoy someone bitching about Boston sports? The guy obviously has no respect for UNC considering he is picking OU tonight and has said that we would be a bubble team in the Big East. One of his features is that he chooses games to gamble on, but always gets the outcome wrong. Here is his youtube video showing how a missed layup spoiled the cover for Mizzou. Not only did he lose the bet, but he couldn't even turn down the sound of his porno (listen at the 13 second mark).

I'm So Lost

If you like The Muppets and Lost, then you'll definitely not enjoy this.

Porn Parody Sunday

Not only is Scrubs being remade into a porn, but The Office is getting the XXX treatment as well. The boring title is XXX-The Office. Lame? Yes. But it does star Ashlynn Brooke and Jenna Haze, so it's got potential. Here is the trailer. It's probably not safe for work unless you work in the porn industry.

Take off those "Scrubs"


TMZ has just announced that the sitcom Scrubs will soon be made into a major porn flick... This concept sounds like the thread of posts from The View from Below but one that has been made a reality. In all honesty, the TMZ blurb says there is a fair amount of charcter development and even those quirky jokes that makes the show so great, so add hot chicks and banging and I'll order this one once it hits pay per view!

Video Wake Up

Saturday, March 28, 2009

An Easy Way To Make 10 Bucks

So, while the rest of my roommates are away at Carolina Cup, I sold the dog into slavery. Well, not quite. The Iditarod wanted some extra participants, so I jumped at the opportunity to get some extra cash. Done and done (Hand clap).

Funny Things Afoot On Chris Cooley's Blog


One of the contributors on Chris Cooley's blog is a coach/player for an Austrian football team. He's got some pretty good insight already:

And we head to a teammates "flat" to have some beers before we head out. I will interject a few points of emphasis here:
1) Austrians take their beer very seriously
2) Never call an Austrian person German.


More hilarity ensued:

but then Danielle (a 6'5 185lb receiver) said something even better...
"So, I know NFL Players"
"What?" I said, almost choking on my beer.
"Ya, my girlfriend iz...umm...American-Samoa"
"Okay?"
"And her mom asked me, "Danielle-you play American football" and she vas on ze phone with her coo-zin, so I said "jah, I play American-Football" so she puts me on ze phone viz dis guy. And he said, "Allo! I am in NFL"
So I said, "Oh! Can you get me Patrick Willis's Jersey and Autograph!"
So he said, "Sure"
So I said, "Who is this?"
and He said, "Shawne Merriman"
so I said, "Oh, okay. Make sure ze Willis jersey is a large. Danke!"

He asked Shawne Merriman for a Patrick Willis jersey. Holy shit.

Only in Austria.
Ciao!

Shaq Weeq Conclusion

It's sad to see him go, but let's send out the Big Falla with some more clips. Tune in next week for George Muresan.



Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: Boston Red Sox

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

AL EAST
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Toronto Blue Jays
Tampa Bay Rays
Baltimore Orioles

The Good:

Curt Schilling retired, which means he's going to have more time to blog. Good news for everyone.

The Bad:
Boston fans are still the most whiny sons of bitches on the planet. You can't be an underdog when you have the second highest payroll.

The Ugly:
You stay classy, Boston.

In Wifey McBeaty News


Chiefs running back pleaded guilty to hitting women. He received two years probation which included the clause that he will not be allowed to consume alcohol after 9 p.m. or be at any Kansas City Bar. I think everyone knows what that means: Day drinking and trips to Overland Park, KS. Wooo!

Link

Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: New York Yankees

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

AL EAST
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Toronto Blue Jays
Tampa Bay Rays
Baltimore Orioles

The Good:
They obviously are not affected by the recession considering they own the three highest paid players in baseball.

The Bad:

George Steinbrenner can hardly walk now and it's a damn shame that this team will be run into the ground by his son.

The Ugly:
You thought I was going to use some pictures from A-Rod's Detail magazine shoot, didn't you? Well, you were wrong. Bam!

Duke Goes Down

I know it's a little late, but I was preoccupied over the last few days. Thanks, IFRS! In any case, it was awesome to see Duke get the treatment it so thoroughly deserved. This time it was their turn to get poked in the eye.



Here's footage of Allen Ray's mom.


And to conclude, here are is a choice Mike Krzyzewski's comment:
"Especially these days, if you've got seniors, you've definitely got an advantage," said Krzyzewski, who didn't start a senior Thursday and did remarkable work to coax 30 wins and a round of 16 appearance out of his team.

Well, you did treat Greg Paulus like a leper and it's sad to think that the media buys into this "overachieving" season. You only had seven McDonald's All Americans.

Video Wake Up

Friday, March 27, 2009

Lawson Is God

Would You Like To See This Girl Naked?



This girl is in law school at Carolina and posed for Playboy for the Girls of the ACC Edition. Let's put it this way: if she was a cheerleader, she's way too hot to be cheerleader of the week.

Someone's Excited



Look at the comment section.

Video Wake Up

Duke

Points 54
Field Goals 16-60, 27%
3-Pointers 5-27, 19%
Wow.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Cooley Hates Ohio More Than Me

All this requires is for me to set it up. Captain Chaos will take it from there. Basically, a few weeks ago, Mr. Cooley wrote on his blog that he prays his ass doesn't get shipped to Cleveland. Since Cleveland is in the notably eloquent and understanding state of Ohio, everyone was naturally surprised when someone posted this as a comment:

Hey Cooley,

Your a f***ing douchebag. How you gonna talk shit about Cleveland like that? I hope we do trade for your ass just so I can boo you during home games. Grow up and be a professional. You never know we're your gonna end up this is the NFL so talking shit about a city you might end up in is kind of idiotic. I used to have a good impression of you and be a fan. Now I see what a faggot primodonna you are. Peace homo.

Dennis - FROM CLEVELAND


TAKE IT AWAY CAP'N:
Dennis,

I'm glad that I have a chance to respond to you, as well as the many other outraged Cleveland fans that have commented on this site. I was nothing short of amazed when the comments to the trade rumor post soared past the 200 mark, but embarrassed for multiple Browns fans with their outrageous remarks. Dennis, you and many others accused me of talking shit about the Browns. The comment that I made was "I would be pissed if I got my ass shipped to Cleveland." Now if I would have made one negative statement about the Browns organization, the players, the team, or even the city I would have agreed with you. I clearly did not.

Dennis, by your brilliant writing style and obvious intelligence I should be surprised that you took my comment out of context, but I guess you just never know. So for you I will clarify, really all I was saying was that I do not want to leave DC. Any team or city could have been interchanged and I would have made the same statement. "I would be pissed to go to San Diego, Baltimore, or even New England." Nothing wrong with any of their teams, fans, or cities, I'm just happy where I am. Your, wait, (you're) kinda idiotic.

Oh! I almost forgot. John Elway wanted me to ask you how it felt almost getting to the Super Bowl? That must have been awesome!

Regards,

Chris

To everyone else who commented on the fantastic comments. First class, all the way! I had no clear opinion what amazing fans you guys were, but now I have a definite jealousy of anyone wearing that beautiful orange helmet. Gooooo Browns!


Plus, look at what each of these 2 adversaries have going for each other:

BREAKING NEWS

KINDA

Coming soon to a Franklin Street near you...




That is right folks Gamestop will be making an appearance "Coming Soon" to where the Sun Glasses Hut use to be. I support this move 100% because it is not some shit chicken or shit mexican place where I will spend 8 dollars on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Hey and who knows we might even see a little of this...





American Idol Review

I'm going to rank these according to the certified Michael Scott Grading Scale TM. Now, find out who I think is going home...after this commercial break.



1. Adam Lambert (I would give him a vomit face, but the judges gave him seven thumbs up, their lowest rating ever)
2. Allison Iraheta (16 bonus points because she is sixteen)
3. Matt Giraud (A high five)
4. Kris Allen (Gold star)
5. Anoop (Congressional Medal of India)
6. Danny Wife-Is-Dead (Sad Face)
7. Big Rounds (Thumbs down)
8. Scott Blind Guy (Braille silver star)
9. Michael Sarver (-25 Schrute Bucks)
10. Megan Joy (A slap on the titties)

The person going home issssssss...

Sarver

Genius Idea


I don't know how many times I have to say it but lets buy a boat. I mean I am sure if we took a poll Pauly walnuts would agree Boat > Job.

Advantages:

We could wear Guy Harvey all day



We would be fishing all day



We could meet friendly people (note Anup on the top deck)

Oh did I mention we could meet friendly people?


Disadvantages

Umm...Well...Umm...I got nothing

The FML For Intellectuals


If you want to practice your French and get your jollies off go to this website.

Some of my favorites:

Aujourd'hui, j'ai fait un cauchemar dans lequel mon mari partait avec une autre. Je le lui raconte, en précisant que je me battais avec elle et lui cassais la figure. Maintenant, il songe sérieusement à partir avec une autre "juste pour me voir me battre dans la boue avec une femme." VDM

Hilarious!!!!

Aujourd'hui, comme d'habitude, mon mari m'envoie remplir sa bouteille d'eau pour la nuit. En bonne épouse, je me rends à la salle de bain et y trouve ma fille de six ans qui, d'un air résigné, me lance : "Les garçons, c'est tous les mêmes, des gros fainéants. Elle remplissait la bouteille de son frère. VDM

LOL!!!

This Is For Mary Kate

Ah, Anoop, the proud son of ECHHS and Phillips Middle School. As one says, "the truth is in the pudding." Eh, Chubby?

Bob's Porch Baseball Playoff Preview: Toronto Blue Jays

Over the next few weeks AJ Burnett and I are going to be evaluating each team and hopefully provide insight and humor. It certainly will be more accurate than any other preview.

AL EAST
Boston Red Sox
New York Yankees
Toronto Blue Jays
Tampa Bay Rays
Baltimore Orioles

The Good:

Thanks to Creighton, Toronto has a great slogan this year: "I love B-Jays!"

The Bad:
When Chipper Jones says that Atlanta is a better city than Toronto, you know you're fucked.
"We stayed in Toronto for a week and played three games. I don't know if you ever stayed in Toronto, but it's not exactly Las Vegas," the Braves star told the Atlanta Journal Constitution. "To say that we were plucking our eyebrows out one at a time would be an understatement."


The Ugly:


Very Subtle, Schick

Jimmy Fallon Sucks At Beer Pong Part 2

First Serena now Anna Kournikova.

OMG! Christian Bale and Johnny Depp!

Everyone has their panties in a bunch over the new Where The Wild Things Are trailer, but I'm going to go ahead and say that Public Enemies will blow that piece of shit out of the water.

The Most Depressing News Ever

Someone was about to kidnap my soul mate. It appears as if some whacko from Florida was going to take Shawn Johnson and deprive her of my love. Come on man, you still need to wait two years for it to be legal. What an amateur. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go "talk" to Mark Ballas.


Story





PS That is a garbage disposal.

Skipping Class = Me Fail



Video Wake Up

A little comic relief.



By the way, the actor committed suicide. True story.

You Will Find This Very Interesting

I spent about 30 minutes canvasing this page, I found it thoroughly entertaining and informative. Poop is funny.
(surprisingly work safe, minus the fact that it is pages of discussion about poop)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

AI


Matt Giraud- That was the tots
Kris Allen- Terrible shirt- Good work on the song. MAN CRUSH OMFG!!!!
Corkrey- Your tots will hopefully take you to next week (I want to go to there)
Lambert- Oh so gay but oh so good (Video/Internet/Blogs killed the radio star?)
Red Haired Lady- Mmmhmmm. I Like.
Lambert- Gay. Still.
Blind Guy- Eh. If it lasts more than two weeks I'll shave my head (not bald)
Sarver- See ya
Lil Rounds- I hate you
Gokey- Nokey.

Don't remember anything else. YAY GIN!

Garbahje Disposal's bottom three coming soon.

This is for Snorkelfish

Good news everyone! We had already heard that good soccer was coming to the States, but it was announced today that FC Chelsea will play AC Milan at M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore on July 24th. I shit you not. Road trip up here anybody? I have plenty of couch space. (and bed space, ladies?)

PS, Garbage Disposal, you can come to :)

Greek Gossip Guy Strikes

Looks like a certain ChiO at UNC has some weird fetishes. Will this soon spread to the entire house? Looks like a new mixer theme to me. Only time will tell.



XOXO,
GGG

Uni Watch: UNC Baseball

The Diamond Heels displayed new white cleats over the weekend. Honestly, I'm not a fan because when matched with white pants it makes the players look like ballerinas. Also, who wants to copy the Oakland A's?