Saturday, January 31, 2009

UPDATE: Samuel L. Jackson NOT at Aussie Open

It turns out that E.T. was the mysterious fan sitting in Serena's box. Our apologies, Sam.

Assist to the Bearded One.

UNC v. UNC-Raleigh: Studs and Duds

Well that was fun. We'll group them by quality of undergraduate degree for D-1 basketball coaches.
UNC Chapel Hill:
Tyler: Good turnaround. 31 points and his first block ever. Also, according to the announcers he had never hit a 3 before this season, which is impressive, since he totally has.

Ty: Best player on the court at any given time. It would be so much easier if he just beat his man to the hoop every possession instead of this passing nonsense. 16 points, 5 assists, but could work on those 4 turnovers.

DG: 14 pts in 22 minutes. Needs to learn there are other parts of the court that count for 3 than the far shoulder, especially if he's gonna jack up 8 treys a game. Still the only player on the court who seems to really care about the outcome.

Easy Ed: The truth.
University of Phoenix Online:
ACC Refs: Still terribly inconsistent. No comment on the end of the game, but bad calls the whole game for both sides.

Booby the Brick: 0 pts in 24 minutes. Is this serious? It is beyond comprehension that he gets 24 minutes to play mediocre defense and no offense and Big Time Bill sits on the bench all game. I guess its pretty hard to hit wide open threes, especially when you are holding a D-1 scholarship you received after being recruited as a 2 guard. Those things don't really go hand in hand, so its understandable.

Sidney Lowe: Nice blazer, douchebag.

Curse of 3:30 ABC games: 2-4 now, bitches.

What a man

A little emotion was sparked out of the one and only Mike Copeland in today's win against NCSU. I see a striking resemblance between the two, especially because Bert was one angry dude. I liked the fire, though completely ridiculous. On another note, Bobby Frasor is 11-43 from behind the arc. I love this man's defensive effort, but come some point you start to dribble in a couple of steps and shoot the mid-range jumper. And I think that point is now Mr. Frasor.

Guess who likes Mary Jane

Of course, Phelps isn't exactly the cleanest athlete in history. Maybe its not the chlorine that makes his eyes red. Maybe he's just training his lungs in the harshest of conditions. He's going for that swimmer's high. Insert other stupid Phelps joke here.


Do we have a chance today? Probably not considering we are 1-4 in our last 5 3:30 p.m. Saturday games...on ABC...played in NHL January. If our night in Raleigh was any indication, then our big men are in for a challenge. I mean, we might have a Diane, but they have people named "Dad And." Foreboding indeed.

Final Score:
Roy Williams' Fighting Zones 74- NC State Cows 180

Bob's Beebs of the Day

You all may remember Elisabeth Hasselbeck as the emaciated chick from "Survivor: Bugaloo Green" or something like that. Well, apparently she has become pretty successful on a show called "The Keith Olberman Happy Fun Time Variety Hour" "The View." I'm just happy that she was able to steal some of Rosie's food during her time there and developed that body into a smoking hot piece of Republican ass. Although she loses points for marrying the Hasselbeck with less hair she gets major props for looking like this after two kids.

I'll Have a Samuel Jackson Please

In case you're new to this blog, we have a very simple m.o. It involves good looking girls, staying up really late, drinking Bud Light (shameless ad placement), and trying to compete with mainstream bloggers. That last statement might seem like an oxymoron, but who honestly agrees with the reporting methods of ESPN, SI, et al? Ed Werder and Chris Mortensen can make up stories and no one cares, but God forbid, Deadspin puts up pictures of Kurt Warner chugging a carton of milk and Buzz Bissinger blows a load trying to find of ways to attack Will Leitch.

Sports are meant to be a form entertainment. Once you lose that fundamental belief, as so many in the broadcasting profession have, then you come across as a self-serving, egotistical prick (see Keith Olberman). This will never happen occur on this page, mainly because we might be 12 year olds at heart and just have not become jaded by this whole process.

Wow! That was a long ass intro to my intended post. I guess you could say that the Australian Open has been very kind to us. Not only did it reveal Andy Roddick's anger over the chair umpire's lack of testicular fortitude, but it also enabled this blog to be linked on Deadspin and SI. Surely we have to keep this momentum going so we decided to watch tonight's match between Serena and Ms. Marat sister what's her name.

Anyway we finally got our reward at 4:15 in the morning when they showed these photos:

Not only does it look like Samuel L. Jackson joined Serena's entourage, but he apparently had to revert back to his character in "Resurrecting the Champ." We were unable to reach Josh Hartnett for comment because he was too busy screwing Vinnie Chase out of "Smoke Jumpers."

Here is a picture from "Resurrecting the Champ" as a reference.

Video Wake Up

This is how I felt all day yesterday thanks to SI Hot Clicks.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Sam Cassell Looking for Next Career Step

...By trying out for American Idol as "Melinda Camille" last night.

Guess Who

Way to go Slater. Way to go.

You're All Idiots.

This is the most racist NFL feature ever created ... somehow Michael Strahan is the smartest of these geniuses.

Al Davis Completes Thorough Coaching Search

Al Davis' Coaching Wishlist:
  1. Mike Shanahan
  2. Eric Mangini
  3. Jagodzinski
  4. Butch Davis
  5. Myself
  6. Oscar the Grouch
  7. Jamarcus Russell
  8. Spongebob Squarepants
  9. Tom Cable

Spotted: Snow Bunny

Its okay sweetheart, only 500,000 people have seen this video. I wouldn't worry about it. But in all seriousness, I would do whatever it takes to be an Alpha Chi too.

Good Thing We Didn't Live Blog

Rafael Nadal outlasted Fernando Verdasco in 5 sets. The match lasted 5 hours and 14 minutes and was the longest in Aussie Open history. His reward? A rematch with the Swiss Mister Roger Federer.

Ok, now that we have some factual information out of the way, let's get down to what Bob's Porch does best: discuss asinine topics.

The biggest news in the tennis world has not been Andy Roddick's impending marriage, but rather Nadal's sartorial choices. A longtime connoisseur of tank tops and capris, he recently switched to sleeved shirts. Maybe he felt a little peeved at all the attention his biceps were getting. I mean, it is pretty embarrassing that his right arm is so tiny compared to his left. Clearly he employs the same "workout" strategy as me. I'm pretty sure Federer knows that the added sleeves will make Nadal less aerodynamic and therefore will compromise his ability to sprint across the court.

Either way, we won't be seeing much of this anymore.

World Series Prediction

After inking Zack "big daddy" Greinke through 2012, Coco "cabana" Crisp, Kyle "I wear sunglasses at night" Farnsworth and Mike "why do the royals have five 1st basemen?" Jacobs there is no way the Royals are not a lock for world series. And with all this chatter about the Pirates on this blog that leaves only one possible option for the world heard it first here.

Royals in 4
because of our secret weapon...

DAVID "Always be my baby" COOK

Bar etiquette-There is none.

Recap of last night's events:

12:05 am-Go to Topo for Cougar night.

12:10 am-Find out there are no cougars. :(

12:15-Shots and drinks. Distracted by all of this at the bar-->

12:38-Blobby throws up, cracks his head open, pees himself, and wakes up at the hospital.

1:05-Girl asks friend 1 if he wants a shot.

1:35-Girl and said friend 1 start violently chowing down on each other's face. Tastes like chocolate. (side note: Friend 1 indicated to this new squeeze he would take her out to lunch the next day. 100:1 odds this does not occur)

1:36-Friend 2 sees ex-gf-exchange pleasantries. She can, in fact, "pop dat pussy" (see 2 live crew).

1:38-Friend 2 sees new target, goes in from the kill and takes her attention off of chach.

1:57-Friend 2 goes home with new target.

Now the real issue for debate is that new target took Friend 2 home where her boyfriend was waiting. I don't know if she knew this but this is why girls suck. Maybe she was looking for some group action, but I don't understand why you would bring home one guy to hook up with another.

Another issue, making out at the bar may be the only acceptable form of PDA. It is only a warm-up to the goon-bashing that is to follow. I approve.

Thirdly, if you're 19 and she's 16, is that wrong? I believe 16 is the age of consent in NC, but who's counting. Talk amongst yourselves.

More Federer-Roddick Fallout

I would like to thank Deadspin for linking us in their Federer-Roddick recap. We knew something was up when the hits kept coming. Usually we get a solid 15, so to get over 1000 was quite a surprise. This little hobby of ours has now become something more than a pastime that eases the hours between sleep and drinking. Joblessness has never felt so good.

Anyway, let's get to some pictures that we took during the match that were infinitely more hilarious at the time and probably have no comedic value, but let's try anyway.

Probably the number one reason why Roddick lost. He had to look at this FUPA the entire match.

Paul McCrane from E.R. is probably what Roddick will look like in 20 years. Good luck, Brooke.

More incredulity from Roddick. Probably the fact that there is a Molina brother who became a tennis umpire and not a Major League catcher.

Roddick "blowing" the match.

You've seen the Manning face, now I present to you the Roddick Scrunch.

Video Wake Up

Only a few weeks away from a Coors Light commercial. I wonder if there is any hazing that happens before he gets initiated into the Sunday Countdown fraternity. I bet it involves Chris Berman and a goat.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Couple Random Thoughts

I was reading about Rod-Dick's pathetic woes about his last name, he needs to have more of a sack and not whine about it. That got me thinking about some ridiculous names, many remember Knowshon Moreno, whose name comes from his mom's desire for people to "know Shawn." My cousin works in an "urban school system" of sorts and has provided these name gems (spelling followed by pronunciation).
Abcde (Absiday)
Male and Female (Mahlay and Femahlay)
Le-ah (this is my favorite ... Ledashah)

On a completely unrelated note,

Someone Who Knows How to Win to the Pirates?

Haha- no. It's just Eric Hinske formally of the Tampa Bay Rays and the Boston Red Sox! Looks like he's going to sign tomorrow. Bring on some more semi-good/semi-washed up vets. At least he's a career .254 hitter. Hey whatever. I'll take it. I might even LIKE it. Better than Jeromy Burnitz. At least Hinske listens to Pantera and Metallica. What a muthafuckin bad ass. Wonder what his at-bat song would be. Still not as good looking as Xavier Nady though

Oh P.S.- he was the guy that struck out to end the 2008 World Series. At least he was there.

Have Some Sack Dude

UPDATE: Now with video.

YouTube Version:

Latest Adult Film Idea

After one of America's greatest films ever...

Varsity Boobs.

Billy Bob can only get one more concussion one his "head" before permanent damage, but the whip cream bikini is very tempting. He has to convince everyone he is healthy enough to play in the State Championship, including Ms. Davis.

No need for James Van Der Beek, Billy Bob is enough man for every girl in West Canaan. This ones for all you doulds out there that like big guys and skinny girls.


UNC - FSU: Studs and Duds

You know the deal by now. FSU is this year's Clemson apparently. Just with large feathers on their shorts.

Danny Green: The only guy on this team who is willing to take a game into his hands. Played hard all game. 20 and 7 will do, DG. That will do. Oh, and 6, count em 6 steals.

Ty Lawless Lawson: The 21 points was nice, but how about the 9 boards? Something is not right when our PG is our leading rebounder. Also, he had a pretty nice shot right at the end of the game.

Ed "The Truth" Davis: Is there still any question this guy should be starting? That dunk putback, those absurd blocks, the 8 boards, I could go all night. Plus he actually showed some emotion in this game. I guess we have reprogrammed him to act more human to make it seem more fair.

DIANA THOMPSON: HOW IS THIS CHICK EVEN PLAYING D-1 BALL? At one point, she managed to miss a shot by 5 feet while standing 2 feet from the hoop. Not to mention a complete lack of defensive presence, total inability to rebound, the pussiest shooting attempts I've ever seen, and a general lack of enthusiasm to even try. On the plus side, if tonight was during "that time of the month", we should be in good shape for the duke game.

Tyler: Terrible game. Even Roy said he "stunk". Its weird when he's on the bench to watch us pass the ball around and drive and dish. Not used to that. Great defensive play at end of game though.

Wayne: 3-13?????

Roy: Finally called a TO to stop an opposing run and it didn't work. Kept Diana in the game with 4 fouls and took Ed out. At one point, though, he coached so hard he took his glasses off.

Apparently There Was Some Other Game On?

Now, I know we are pretty biassed, but we could have been hosed with this call. I believe the official rule is that the red light on the backboard overrules the actual game clock, but does that make any sense? Check out this screen cap of the last shot. Notice that the game clock is at .01 while the red light is already on. What if the ball was in his hands at .01 and not at .00? Whatever, this is definitely Karl Hess' fault.

Video Wake Up

Went to bed at 6. This is a nooner.

Time to Live Blagojevich about it!

It's on like Donkey Kong. A new experiment, like mixing mice with zebras. Myself and Jonah are gonna try this. Sober. Don't judge.

3:22 We're still watching Knocked Up and the Federer-Roddick match will be on soon

3:23 Aw Fuck! I'm sorry View From Below, but those muffins are delicious and I just spit out on my keyboard.

3:23 Baby books would suck. Married life sucks.

Ex 1.

Hey wadda ya say we have sex tonight?
I'm really constipated

3:24 Hey it's our second date. BJ? The Bird expects anal.


3:37 Good thing loser of the coin toss wins the match 77% of the time. Or so Chris Mortensen reports.

3:39 Roddick announced his engagement? And then lost? Maybe someone was a little tired out? Speaking of anal...

3:41 Descriptions of players: Federer- 13 Grand Slam Titles. Roddick- 4 Aussie Open Semifinals. Really? That's all Roddick's got? At least mention his fiancee. That's gotta count for something.

3:44 What's with the flaming match graphic? Is that supposed to be some sort of metaphor? Why not just have a picture of people doing it for the three 6-love sets that's about to happen?

3:46 Roddick's serve is pretty shitty. He should take advice from me.

3:47 Roddick forgot to bring the sun, though. Federer brought his wind. This is like a tennis version of Hancock.

3:48 5 checks to 2. Why does Roddick keep getting the intangible check? I guess insecurity and total lack of clutch play are also intangible.

3:50 That was in like Garbage Disposal's foreskin.

3:53 Federer just broke Roddick and possibly his will. I'm thinking of a word that rhymes with shmallshmame.

3:56 Where can I get a ballboy hat? Why didn't Chokavic just grab one in the last match? Problem solved.

3:57 Garbage Disposal thinks Andy lifting up his shirt is a signal to his fiancee for oral later. By my count, hes already getting 15 blowjays when he gets back to the mainland.

4:00 3-1 Federer. Roddick's serve. Its 108 in Melbourne and 33 in NYC. Chaps.

4:02 Roddick looks scratchy against other guys? Probably should stop wearing wool. Its too hot for that shit anyways, Costanza.

4:03 Federer breaks again. 4-1. This is like playing Madden on easy. Eventually Federer is gonna get bored, but now he's having fun just setting absurd records and praising himself as the color announcer in his head.

4:06 2 straight out calls challenged by Federer and won on the same line. Is Brooke the line judge. Now Andy is pissed. Arguing with Joaquin Phoenix the chair ref. Just said: "have some sack dude". Seriously.

4:10 5-2 Federer. Missed a little in shirt creation. Roddick has a break point.

4:11 Roddick still arguing. Claims he's never had a ball go past him before. Just said this was the first time in 10 years. Seems moderately unlikely. Keeps saying "yes?" and "no?". Does he know they speak English in Australia. Also, drinking urine is not healthy. To Andy's credit, chair judge also looks just like Federer. Maybe he used his godlike powers to clone himself.

4:18 6-2 Federer. Rod Laver looks like Freddy Krueger. Why doesnt Freddy have a retractable roof over something named after him?

4:26 I really enjoy watching sporting events that are actually just weather reports for locales 16 hours away. I find it so incredibly relevant to everything else in my life.

4:37 "Federer wants to play." Oh, I thought he wanted to work. Apparently tennis is a "job."

4:39 Random thought: Doesn't Mercedez usually sponsor tennis matches on the net? So why the hell is the Aussie Open sponsored by Kia? I mean, I realize there's a depression, but I dont think Kia is Australian for class. At least get us a Lexus or something.

4:42 Roddick's up to 43 blowjays. Also, 3-3 in the 2nd set. The burgh is on serve.

4:48 4-4. Why did Aussie move to blue courts? Is Chris Petersen the groundskeeper? I keep expecting Roddick to try a hook and ladder to come back in this match.

4:52 Forehand winners: Federer- 15. Roddick- 1. Perfect girlfriend commercial is on.

4:55 3 straight aces for Federer. 5-5 in the 2nd set. Ballgirl behind Federer has some pretty serious FUPA. Gotta lay off that Bloomin' Onion.

4:58 Federer breaks Roddick in a love game. Serving for set. Is anyone else totally sick of that Progressive girl but also still really want to nail her? I think that would be a worthy experience.

5:00 Roddick should have challenged that serve. Have some sack, dude.

5:01 6-2, 7-5. Also, I'm sick of Mike's Hard Lemonade pretending to be a real drink. What's next? An F-250 with a man step and a wine cooler dispenser?

5:04 McEnroe re: Roddick: "I thought he had pretty good balls to approach". You cannot be serial!!!

5:09 Roddick to chair judge: "I can't read your expression". This is turning into a bad episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway

5:12 1-1 Apparently the chair judge's name is Henry Molina. So we have 3 catchers and a chair judge. Roddick also makes this face:

(Picture to come later)

If Roddick was Roy, he would have taken off his glasses by now.

5:15 2-1. If Roddick forces a fourth set I'm going to be pissed.

5:17 Roddick needs to stop challenging shots that are clearly in. Apparently you need to sometimes say "too good" according McEnroe. I say that when I eat Nuggnuts or get good head from Jessica Alba. Not often in tennis, though.

5:21 2-2. Roddick stumbles back to deuce from 2 break points down.

5:23 Roddick yells "Fuck". Gets warned by Bizarro Federer.

5:24 Roddick hits absurd shot. Chair Judge mocks the fact he finally looks like he belongs on the same planet as Rog.

5:28 How many rackets does Federer have? Tiger only uses a new driver once a tournament. Can't Roger use his powers to make better strings?

5:29 Does Rafa have a chance against Federer on hard court? I think his new sleeves will hamper his ability. Its as if Nike didn't feel like spending any more money so they ripped off the bottom of his old shorts and put them on his shirt as sleeves. They should go Oregon style on him. Imagine that Spaniard with Dri-Fit spikes coming out of his shoulders. Fucking scary.

5:34 ESPN just showed Roddick's entourage and there was no sun involved. Clearly a misstep. Actually, the court just got really bright for some reason. Expect Death Valley temperatures and a Federer retirement shortly.

5:44 5-5. This match needs to end already.

5:45 Not sure if Roddick has stopped talking this entire match. I think he might have finally lost his head. In completely unrelated news, Federer has 2 break points at 5-5.

5:46 "That's your kind of approach, Brad: A winner".

5:47 This game has more deuces than a dinner at Golden Corral.

5:49 BROKEN. Apparently Federer's grip on this match is now "really tight". How tight is that, exactly McEnroe?

5:51 Federer hasn't lost a challenge yet. Apparently omnipotence is a good thing.

5:52 2 Match points for The Federer Express.

5:53 Final Score: 6-2, 7-5, 7-5. Good call, Snorklefish. Never go against the family ever again. Prediction for the final: Federer in 4 games. That's right- games. Just watch.

I look forward to reading how stupid this is tomorrow. For Garbage Disposal, this is Jonah,

Dancing with the Stars?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Seperated at Birth?

Think about it.

Garbage talking Garbage

"Rod-dick...I had years of psychological issues with that."
-- Andy Roddick.



"There's a way to go about it. Like, if you're on a centre court TV match and you go up and say point-blank, 'fuck you,' that probably wouldn't fly too well. You're probably going to get fined. So you'd say it more like under your breath and hope they hear it but don't really quite hear it, if you know what I'm saying."
-Andy Rod-dick, on trying to talk to sense into Garbage

The Official Call?

With a full night of basketball, kegs, and tennis lasting well into the wee hours of the morning, what a perfect way to end the night than......

Hip Hip Hooray!

Snorklefish Rebuked!


Roger Federer being a general bad ass. Heat? He doesn't care about no freaking heat.

6-0 6-0 6-0

Overheard in Melbourne:

Roddick: Please show some mercy!
Federer: Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.


Federer: What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!

Federer: In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything freezes!


Federer: Allow me to break the ice. My name is Federer. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom.


Roddick: Uh-Oh.
Federer: I'm putting you on ice.

Sports Night

So because one could start watching sports tonight at 7pm and not stop until 7am, depending on the outcome of the tennis match I have decided to let everyone in on my picks...

Wake (+2) Wake:84 Duke:79

FSU (+12) UNC: 88 FSU: 79

and Roddick over Federer 6-4, 4-6, 7-5 (6-3), 2-6, 6-4

Felton is a beast

The Bobcats take down the Lakers in double OT 117-110, more importantly Felton dropped 21 points, 11 rebounds, and 9 assists.

Guess I should have taken Jonah's 10-1 odds when the Bobcats led at the half.

Video Wake Up

Roy's Beer Pong Nightmare

I promise you that the only one worse at beer pong than Bobby Frasor (for obvious reasons) is Roy Williams. Confused? I mean, sure he is instant offense, but he just shuts down when faced with this cup formation:

I don't know what it is, but Roy won't make a cup the rest of the game. Deer in the headlights bad.